~Love~

Courtesy of Cr55

My boyfriend has gone to Paris for 4 days with his family, which I was invited to, but in the end couldn't go due to unforeseen circumstances. It has really made me think about love and the meaning of life etc. which I really wanted to write about.


It all started when James's parents were planning to take everyone away to Paris to celebrate their 30th anniversary and they needed to know whether we would all be able to make it. Unfortunately, the time they picked is during university hours and at the time I said no because I didn't want to jepardize my education. So that was that for a while and then it came to September and they needed to know numbers. Again I said no, thinking I would need to be at university as I am paying for it and so don't want to miss out on anything. So James's parents went ahead and booked everything, not including me and said they would add me on later as it was possible. I received my timetable and found I would only miss two lessons so I asked if they would now add me on. After a lot of messing around and trips to the travel agents they couldn't get me in to the same hotel as at first they were told there were no rooms, and then that it would cost 125 Euros per night. So, I refused to go on this basis, and they did nothing.


It's amazing what love does to you. It's like a double edged sword where you either really happy or really sad. It can make you go crazy and do stupid things and all emotions seem to be heightened. My boyfriend left last night which was Saturday around 9pm and I won't see him now until Thursday afternoon as his train doesn't arrive back into Nottingham until late Wednesday night. I already miss him loooads but so many things have been going through my mind it's unbelievable. 


Anger. I was so angry at him for leaving me behind and going with his family to Paris that I couldn't talk to him yesterday and he could tell, but I couldn't tell him what was on my mind. It still annoys me to this day and I think it will take a while to not be angry.


I felt like an outsider - him and his family had all gone together and left me behind. I was and still am imagining him over there now, having so much fun without me and I am angry and jealous. I bet I sound like a maniac!


I also felt resentful. I resented the fact that James's parents had paid for him and his brother + girlfriend and child to go first class on the Eurostar over to Paris, but when it came to me they were reluctant to do it. I know my mind is twisting things, but it went on for weeks and by the time it came to Friday this week I was fed up of hearing about Paris and did not want to go. It was a relief knowing that I wasn't going as I couldn't get excited for knowing I may not go but also wanted to be excited about going away.


I know all this sounds so selfish and petty and I regret having these feelings.


Anyway... I really needed to write about my feelings, if anyone has felt the same way then please let me know.